The Stripper Chronicles Part 1: The hooker with a penis

Ok first lets clarify the name because I know that probably has all of you going what in the hell is this going to be about. Hooker With A Penis is a Tool song (that ties into the story later). Strip clubs what can you really say about them they are a den of moral inequity the likes of which has not been seen in some case since Sodom and Gomorrah. I did not know any of this going into my first strip club adventure. Someone needs to create a primer for these situations so it can prepare people like myself who have been known to be loud and excitable.

Ok so the first strip club I ever went to was in NY near Campbell Hall (the details are fuzzy this part of my life was a whole lotta work not alotta sleep). We went to the strip club for a female coworkers birthday (overall unimportant to my adventure because I didn't go there for them I went there for boobies). On of my friends while driving there asked what I would do if a stripper danced to Tool. I said very honestly giver her all my money that I came with.

We enter the strip club and all sit in a corner around the bar. There is a stage in the middle with the bar surrounding it. Here is the first thing that no one warned me about, The bartenders hound you for drinks and you must always have one. They also cost 5 fucking dollars at this bar for any drink. I have never nursed a bottle of beer so long in my life, I was faking drinking like a pro by the end. AND the bartenders expect a tip yet perform no special service for this tip. Here is where my brain runs into a huge conundrum. I give a stripper a dollar she does a "stripper trick" (these are numerous and can be very creative) I give a dollar to the bartender she walks away without even smiling (which would be a trick I suppose considering what she does for a living).

I was thouroughly impressed with some of the talent at the strip club but withing the first five minutes I had what I believe a 40+ year old stripper with huge fake boobs come sit on my lap do some talking and moving and says that was a dollar dance. Now I know this is all new to me but it has the word dollar in it and i'll be damned if I couldn't figure it out. This taught me my first stripper lesson. They need no reason or invitation to work a dollar out of you and will often infact compete subtly with performing strippers for your dollars. This is one of my favorite stripper games.

I have been in the strip club for about 15 minutes and I hear Aenima come on by Tool. At this point I am truly confused for several reasons. It's a long song and not really meant for dancing. I look up and a tremendously hot stripper comes out (She hit the stripper trifecta for me: performed pole tricks, danced to good music, and had breasts instead of mosquito bites and they were real). This woman was all over the place and as stated earlier she was quickly taking all of my money. She followed dancing to Aenima with H. another awesome Tool song. At this point I didn't know what to do with myself and am sure I looked like the big dumb bastard I was. This being my first time at a strip club and not knowing what protocol was I had no idea at all what to do to get Jade's attention. Apparently what I had to do was nothing because she came over within two minutes of getting offstage and started dancing and grinding on me. At the time I was terribly naive in the ways of the stripper ninja, but my dumbstruck look of sheer manchild enjoyment at her pole tricks and gyrating to Tool had caused me too look like an incredibly easy paycheck. She was impressive and had one of the best bodies I have ever felt to this day. But even though I was a dumbstruck manchild I am still and incredibly cheap bastard and I could not be talked into a lap dance for the nominal fee of $25 (These prices vary greatly and appear to be partially up to the discretion of the stripper herself).

For my first experience at a strip club I feel that I came out nearly unscathed financially ($35 for about 3 hours entertainment) and with a much greater understanding of strip clubs and strippers to draw on in future debacles.

Stripper chronicles 2 is up next.... Lee the DD is blindsided by an irish carbomb. Or what will $276 buy you at a strip club... A good time and stories for a lifetime for your friends.

Its been a long time, I been away so long, It's nice to meet you

Ok so I know it has been awhile and I intended to post a few things and I didn't for a few reasons. I got a new job which is taking up massive amounts of my time. Also I have started a workout routine that is in my mind really intense (Harder than Chinese algebra). I am currently sleeping on my moms couch which I think makes me officially a loser but fuck you all I dont want to drive 2.5 hours each way to work. So lets see my thoughts as of recently.

Being fat is very hard to change because I as I said am doing a new workout and there has been 0 weight change. WHAT THE FUCK. I am running 15 1 minute sprints a day and doing supersets of all the weight training. I am destined to be fatter than hell. I work out six days a week and my new job is constant movement, lifting, climbing, sweating. Really I mean REALLY come the fuck on. Ling Ling needs to move the fuck out (I named my fat Ling Ling because it was about the size of a small asian woman when I started and it allowed me to direct hatred at it.) I am not sure what else I have to do to lose weight. If anyone has any ideas that dont involve volcanic colonics I might be game.

Soon I will post a blog containing my various experiences with strippers. I have had several and have learned alot about strippers. For example You can make fun of a strippers stretch marks and she will not be offended enough to not dance for a dollar. I don't even know how that happens. Also some strippers are amazingly athletic and the have made up awards for being so like number one at pole tricks in the midwest (yeah and I won the spelling bee at kellogg elementry I think those are on the same level of bullshit). I also have a firm belief system when it comes to tipping strippers and adhere to it stringently. This will alol be covered at a later date but NY, Iowa, and Canadian strip clubs are all entirely different. And all I can say is god bless Canada (Gimmie a toasted back bacon, hold the toast ).

Something Else that I have been thinking about recently is working with useless people. I'm talking about nipples on a mannequin useless. It truly bothers me. The reasons I have been thinking about this are two fold. I lost my job as an engineer while other far more useless people kept their job. And at my new job a few of the people that I have worked with have struck me as truly special. One kid inparticular sticks out in my mind. He talks more shit and does less than any one else I have met. This country needs to turn around so I can get a damn engineering job and start using my 140k education. I realize this blog is not as jocular as some of my other ones and I think originally I intended for it to be more funny but fuck it.

Transformers revenge of the fallen comes out soon and I am excited. Megan Fox is hotter than the surface of the sun. I am excited. I will post again soon and the stripper chronicles will commence. Also Halle Berry is really hot for being over 40. That is all. To all of you that have engineering jobs I hate you all.