Ok first lets clarify the name because I know that probably has all of you going what in the hell is this going to be about. Hooker With A Penis is a Tool song (that ties into the story later). Strip clubs what can you really say about them they are a den of moral inequity the likes of which has not been seen in some case since Sodom and Gomorrah. I did not know any of this going into my first strip club adventure. Someone needs to create a primer for these situations so it can prepare people like myself who have been known to be loud and excitable.
Ok so the first strip club I ever went to was in NY near Campbell Hall (the details are fuzzy this part of my life was a whole lotta work not alotta sleep). We went to the strip club for a female coworkers birthday (overall unimportant to my adventure because I didn't go there for them I went there for boobies). On of my friends while driving there asked what I would do if a stripper danced to Tool. I said very honestly giver her all my money that I came with.
We enter the strip club and all sit in a corner around the bar. There is a stage in the middle with the bar surrounding it. Here is the first thing that no one warned me about, The bartenders hound you for drinks and you must always have one. They also cost 5 fucking dollars at this bar for any drink. I have never nursed a bottle of beer so long in my life, I was faking drinking like a pro by the end. AND the bartenders expect a tip yet perform no special service for this tip. Here is where my brain runs into a huge conundrum. I give a stripper a dollar she does a "stripper trick" (these are numerous and can be very creative) I give a dollar to the bartender she walks away without even smiling (which would be a trick I suppose considering what she does for a living).
I was thouroughly impressed with some of the talent at the strip club but withing the first five minutes I had what I believe a 40+ year old stripper with huge fake boobs come sit on my lap do some talking and moving and says that was a dollar dance. Now I know this is all new to me but it has the word dollar in it and i'll be damned if I couldn't figure it out. This taught me my first stripper lesson. They need no reason or invitation to work a dollar out of you and will often infact compete subtly with performing strippers for your dollars. This is one of my favorite stripper games.
I have been in the strip club for about 15 minutes and I hear Aenima come on by Tool. At this point I am truly confused for several reasons. It's a long song and not really meant for dancing. I look up and a tremendously hot stripper comes out (She hit the stripper trifecta for me: performed pole tricks, danced to good music, and had breasts instead of mosquito bites and they were real). This woman was all over the place and as stated earlier she was quickly taking all of my money. She followed dancing to Aenima with H. another awesome Tool song. At this point I didn't know what to do with myself and am sure I looked like the big dumb bastard I was. This being my first time at a strip club and not knowing what protocol was I had no idea at all what to do to get Jade's attention. Apparently what I had to do was nothing because she came over within two minutes of getting offstage and started dancing and grinding on me. At the time I was terribly naive in the ways of the stripper ninja, but my dumbstruck look of sheer manchild enjoyment at her pole tricks and gyrating to Tool had caused me too look like an incredibly easy paycheck. She was impressive and had one of the best bodies I have ever felt to this day. But even though I was a dumbstruck manchild I am still and incredibly cheap bastard and I could not be talked into a lap dance for the nominal fee of $25 (These prices vary greatly and appear to be partially up to the discretion of the stripper herself).
For my first experience at a strip club I feel that I came out nearly unscathed financially ($35 for about 3 hours entertainment) and with a much greater understanding of strip clubs and strippers to draw on in future debacles.
Stripper chronicles 2 is up next.... Lee the DD is blindsided by an irish carbomb. Or what will $276 buy you at a strip club... A good time and stories for a lifetime for your friends.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Its been a long time, I been away so long, It's nice to meet you
Ok so I know it has been awhile and I intended to post a few things and I didn't for a few reasons. I got a new job which is taking up massive amounts of my time. Also I have started a workout routine that is in my mind really intense (Harder than Chinese algebra). I am currently sleeping on my moms couch which I think makes me officially a loser but fuck you all I dont want to drive 2.5 hours each way to work. So lets see my thoughts as of recently.
Being fat is very hard to change because I as I said am doing a new workout and there has been 0 weight change. WHAT THE FUCK. I am running 15 1 minute sprints a day and doing supersets of all the weight training. I am destined to be fatter than hell. I work out six days a week and my new job is constant movement, lifting, climbing, sweating. Really I mean REALLY come the fuck on. Ling Ling needs to move the fuck out (I named my fat Ling Ling because it was about the size of a small asian woman when I started and it allowed me to direct hatred at it.) I am not sure what else I have to do to lose weight. If anyone has any ideas that dont involve volcanic colonics I might be game.
Soon I will post a blog containing my various experiences with strippers. I have had several and have learned alot about strippers. For example You can make fun of a strippers stretch marks and she will not be offended enough to not dance for a dollar. I don't even know how that happens. Also some strippers are amazingly athletic and the have made up awards for being so like number one at pole tricks in the midwest (yeah and I won the spelling bee at kellogg elementry I think those are on the same level of bullshit). I also have a firm belief system when it comes to tipping strippers and adhere to it stringently. This will alol be covered at a later date but NY, Iowa, and Canadian strip clubs are all entirely different. And all I can say is god bless Canada (Gimmie a toasted back bacon, hold the toast ).
Something Else that I have been thinking about recently is working with useless people. I'm talking about nipples on a mannequin useless. It truly bothers me. The reasons I have been thinking about this are two fold. I lost my job as an engineer while other far more useless people kept their job. And at my new job a few of the people that I have worked with have struck me as truly special. One kid inparticular sticks out in my mind. He talks more shit and does less than any one else I have met. This country needs to turn around so I can get a damn engineering job and start using my 140k education. I realize this blog is not as jocular as some of my other ones and I think originally I intended for it to be more funny but fuck it.
Transformers revenge of the fallen comes out soon and I am excited. Megan Fox is hotter than the surface of the sun. I am excited. I will post again soon and the stripper chronicles will commence. Also Halle Berry is really hot for being over 40. That is all. To all of you that have engineering jobs I hate you all.
Being fat is very hard to change because I as I said am doing a new workout and there has been 0 weight change. WHAT THE FUCK. I am running 15 1 minute sprints a day and doing supersets of all the weight training. I am destined to be fatter than hell. I work out six days a week and my new job is constant movement, lifting, climbing, sweating. Really I mean REALLY come the fuck on. Ling Ling needs to move the fuck out (I named my fat Ling Ling because it was about the size of a small asian woman when I started and it allowed me to direct hatred at it.) I am not sure what else I have to do to lose weight. If anyone has any ideas that dont involve volcanic colonics I might be game.
Soon I will post a blog containing my various experiences with strippers. I have had several and have learned alot about strippers. For example You can make fun of a strippers stretch marks and she will not be offended enough to not dance for a dollar. I don't even know how that happens. Also some strippers are amazingly athletic and the have made up awards for being so like number one at pole tricks in the midwest (yeah and I won the spelling bee at kellogg elementry I think those are on the same level of bullshit). I also have a firm belief system when it comes to tipping strippers and adhere to it stringently. This will alol be covered at a later date but NY, Iowa, and Canadian strip clubs are all entirely different. And all I can say is god bless Canada (Gimmie a toasted back bacon, hold the toast ).
Something Else that I have been thinking about recently is working with useless people. I'm talking about nipples on a mannequin useless. It truly bothers me. The reasons I have been thinking about this are two fold. I lost my job as an engineer while other far more useless people kept their job. And at my new job a few of the people that I have worked with have struck me as truly special. One kid inparticular sticks out in my mind. He talks more shit and does less than any one else I have met. This country needs to turn around so I can get a damn engineering job and start using my 140k education. I realize this blog is not as jocular as some of my other ones and I think originally I intended for it to be more funny but fuck it.
Transformers revenge of the fallen comes out soon and I am excited. Megan Fox is hotter than the surface of the sun. I am excited. I will post again soon and the stripper chronicles will commence. Also Halle Berry is really hot for being over 40. That is all. To all of you that have engineering jobs I hate you all.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
The white man is keeping me down
That's right I said it white male genetics are keeping my ass down. Literally, there is no jumping coming from me. At least not in the NBA sense where your feet leave the floor long enough for a normal human being to perceive it. My jumps last about as long as a humming bird flapping his wings. I know most of you are thinking so what, you cant jump. Well this is just how my mind works I want to be able to do the shit that is literally impossible for me to do.
Examples of my physical short comings. I want to be able to dunk a basketball, just once because if you can do it once its a forever type of thing as a guy. I feel that dunking a basketball would be my Superbowl, I would immediately fall to the ground and start talking gibberish praising Allah and showing just how dorky and white I am. Another thing I would like to do that would demonstrate amazing physical ability for my size is a flip. If I could do a flip I would rent a movie projector and play it on a 15 second loop somewhere in a busy area because well basically, fuck you, I just did a flip. The third thing that I wish I could do but am too white and large to do is break dance. If I attempted to do any of the moves that I am fascinated by a few things would happen. People would laugh, I may well die, and I might take out a small apartment complex causing numerous injuries and suffering. Seriously the only part of break dancing that applies to me is the breaking as in what every bone in my body would do.
On the upside there are several things that my largeness allows me to do that the normal human being cannot. For example a normal human could not dress as Godzilla in Japan (this is something I have been brainstorming for awhile I have a cousin who lives there and is of similar size with me I think it needs to be Godzilla versus King Kong. If this ever happens there will be video). Also as recently shown to me a normal human being doesn't break 3 rakes in a span of 30 minutes through normal usage. This led to the construction of a Cletus Proof rake using a shovel handle and I was dubbed the Raking Retard. This led me to think about all of the replacement shit I have had to purchase because I pulled a Lenny on it (Of Mice and Men, if you haven't read it you need to). I have broken 4 axe handle's over the course of a summer (3 of them brand new), a couch, a few chairs, a course golf club, a wall, and several stairs, and 3 car door handles. What does this teach us children? That the white male continues to be the most destructive force in the world today. That's right I am the deliverer of destruction. My angry white ancestors would be proud of me continuing their heritage. This is how my white genetics are keeping me down.
Examples of my physical short comings. I want to be able to dunk a basketball, just once because if you can do it once its a forever type of thing as a guy. I feel that dunking a basketball would be my Superbowl, I would immediately fall to the ground and start talking gibberish praising Allah and showing just how dorky and white I am. Another thing I would like to do that would demonstrate amazing physical ability for my size is a flip. If I could do a flip I would rent a movie projector and play it on a 15 second loop somewhere in a busy area because well basically, fuck you, I just did a flip. The third thing that I wish I could do but am too white and large to do is break dance. If I attempted to do any of the moves that I am fascinated by a few things would happen. People would laugh, I may well die, and I might take out a small apartment complex causing numerous injuries and suffering. Seriously the only part of break dancing that applies to me is the breaking as in what every bone in my body would do.
On the upside there are several things that my largeness allows me to do that the normal human being cannot. For example a normal human could not dress as Godzilla in Japan (this is something I have been brainstorming for awhile I have a cousin who lives there and is of similar size with me I think it needs to be Godzilla versus King Kong. If this ever happens there will be video). Also as recently shown to me a normal human being doesn't break 3 rakes in a span of 30 minutes through normal usage. This led to the construction of a Cletus Proof rake using a shovel handle and I was dubbed the Raking Retard. This led me to think about all of the replacement shit I have had to purchase because I pulled a Lenny on it (Of Mice and Men, if you haven't read it you need to). I have broken 4 axe handle's over the course of a summer (3 of them brand new), a couch, a few chairs, a course golf club, a wall, and several stairs, and 3 car door handles. What does this teach us children? That the white male continues to be the most destructive force in the world today. That's right I am the deliverer of destruction. My angry white ancestors would be proud of me continuing their heritage. This is how my white genetics are keeping me down.
Monday, May 4, 2009
How I spent my summer vacation circa 2006
So there I am April 2006 trying to decide how stay in Potsdam so I could get the hell beat out of me on a weekly basis (i.e. playing for the Trailblazers, which is a whole other set of stories). My best friend in who shall be known as Agent 23 pointed out that they were hiring for summer work at the Clarkson Library. 40 hours a week and free housing fucking A right sign me up.
I met several interesting people my first week on the job. One kid started every story he had with "So we were drinking heavily in Riverside" and ended with "which was a bad decision.".
I met CK for Chipmunk Killer because she professed to us that she killed one on accident driving and it devastated her which I found funny (I actually sang Alvin and the Chipmunks to her once, she hated me). I also met Kimpossible who defies my ability to describe her in this blog other than to the name fits. Another girl we worked with was nicknamed Caliente (which is not known to her) but was given for the reason that of all of the options she was by far the most Caliente. She was a solid Clarkson 8 but I feel she was painfully dumb. Every time she opened her mouth it made you want to insert something anything to prevent the onslaught of stupidity that would spew forth. That takes care of all of the women and they got the easiest jobs. I dont say that to be sexest I say it because it represents the truth and makes me glad that I found ways to cheat the system later.
The other guys who thought that the library was a good idea that first week are Other Guy who was really quiet which is the main reason he recieved that nickname (OG turned out to be the shit). Freshman was there and recieved that name because he was a schoolie freshman and annoying as anyone I have ever met in my life. He called his mom nightly to ask for permission to do anything. He had to ask to go to a hockey game on campus. Hearing this kid talk would make a nun punch a baby.
Agent 23 was there and other stories with him will be well documented at some point but he and I usually got the truly shit jobs. You need a big ass piece of wood carried up 30 stairs because you can't fit it in the elevator no problem I would love to herniate a disk for 8 dollars an hour. Oh you have 12 other pieces of wood that you would like me to single handedly carry because you dont feel its heavy enough to warrant two people please sir may I have another.
The last person that was there was New Guy and he did not come until after two weeks into the summer so he was the new guy, original right. New Guy is one of the funniest people I have ever met in my life mostly because he inflicts such pain and embarrassment on himself that it takes masichism to a whole new level. From recording porn on a Dragon Ball Z tape and "hiding it" back on the shelf with the other tapes because "No one would ever think to look there, it was the perfect spot", to buying 6 cans of whip cream and getting pulled over by the cops stoned, to hurting himself trying to shelve books I have never laughed harder.
New Guy had no shame when telling his stories and also no filter much like myself. He was blatantly honest when sitting around during lunches with our bosses. He was the person who nicknamed me Shrek and it has stuck. NG, A23, and myself became friends if for no other reason than we got handed the crap jobs. I have touched every book in that library 3 times because we were too efficient. About a month into the job we were told that we had completed all of the jobs that they had come up with (I think these are the same people that run the US Census) so the decided to think of new ways to make our lives miserable. We in turn found ways to cheat the system. We took naps while hiding up in closed stacks coming up with very elaborate "traps" that would wake us up if anyone came to check on us and make sure we were working.
While we were working up in closed stacks shifting books we came up with the brilliant idea that it would be much faster to throw the journals (which were usually very heavy slick encyclopedia like books, I know we are engineers and we are retarded, I fear for your safety). This was much faster but also very dangerous because we got a sick sense of pleasure from doing little amounts of pain to each other. One such incident was me being the middle man passing books down the aisle to shorten the toss. As I went to make my toss to A23 I notice he is not ready and isn't looking so I pause then toss. As I turn to catch the next brick I hear New Guy say "Oh shit" and then I tasted book. You know what it tastes like dust and blood, oh wait the blood is from my mouth, fuck me.
This is just one of the many injuries that I incured from the dangerous life of being a librarian. After the summer job was drawing to a close we were given the option to "interview" for a position during the school year. Well I thought this job could not get worse so I decided to apply. I was wrong. The director of the library hated me and to this day I do not know why. I just know that the Barb-arian tried to find special ways to make my life unhappy while at work. From making me catalog journals by the 1,000 by hand on what they called "the purple sheets". I tried to inquire as to what these sheets would be used for. In my second semester I was lucky enough to find out. They would be checked to make sure that they were in our collection and then would be copied by hand again to another binder with "the white sheets". I shit you not I thought I would have an aneursym when I found this out. It was at this point that I vowed I would do as little work as possible. I drew pictures, I wandered around, I would do homework and just generally find anyway I could to not do anything work related because the work was bullshit.
Also as an engineer what the fuck can I do with that on my resume "I was really good at throwing books and getting shit done really fast".
I met several interesting people my first week on the job. One kid started every story he had with "So we were drinking heavily in Riverside" and ended with "which was a bad decision.".
I met CK for Chipmunk Killer because she professed to us that she killed one on accident driving and it devastated her which I found funny (I actually sang Alvin and the Chipmunks to her once, she hated me). I also met Kimpossible who defies my ability to describe her in this blog other than to the name fits. Another girl we worked with was nicknamed Caliente (which is not known to her) but was given for the reason that of all of the options she was by far the most Caliente. She was a solid Clarkson 8 but I feel she was painfully dumb. Every time she opened her mouth it made you want to insert something anything to prevent the onslaught of stupidity that would spew forth. That takes care of all of the women and they got the easiest jobs. I dont say that to be sexest I say it because it represents the truth and makes me glad that I found ways to cheat the system later.
The other guys who thought that the library was a good idea that first week are Other Guy who was really quiet which is the main reason he recieved that nickname (OG turned out to be the shit). Freshman was there and recieved that name because he was a schoolie freshman and annoying as anyone I have ever met in my life. He called his mom nightly to ask for permission to do anything. He had to ask to go to a hockey game on campus. Hearing this kid talk would make a nun punch a baby.
Agent 23 was there and other stories with him will be well documented at some point but he and I usually got the truly shit jobs. You need a big ass piece of wood carried up 30 stairs because you can't fit it in the elevator no problem I would love to herniate a disk for 8 dollars an hour. Oh you have 12 other pieces of wood that you would like me to single handedly carry because you dont feel its heavy enough to warrant two people please sir may I have another.
The last person that was there was New Guy and he did not come until after two weeks into the summer so he was the new guy, original right. New Guy is one of the funniest people I have ever met in my life mostly because he inflicts such pain and embarrassment on himself that it takes masichism to a whole new level. From recording porn on a Dragon Ball Z tape and "hiding it" back on the shelf with the other tapes because "No one would ever think to look there, it was the perfect spot", to buying 6 cans of whip cream and getting pulled over by the cops stoned, to hurting himself trying to shelve books I have never laughed harder.
New Guy had no shame when telling his stories and also no filter much like myself. He was blatantly honest when sitting around during lunches with our bosses. He was the person who nicknamed me Shrek and it has stuck. NG, A23, and myself became friends if for no other reason than we got handed the crap jobs. I have touched every book in that library 3 times because we were too efficient. About a month into the job we were told that we had completed all of the jobs that they had come up with (I think these are the same people that run the US Census) so the decided to think of new ways to make our lives miserable. We in turn found ways to cheat the system. We took naps while hiding up in closed stacks coming up with very elaborate "traps" that would wake us up if anyone came to check on us and make sure we were working.
While we were working up in closed stacks shifting books we came up with the brilliant idea that it would be much faster to throw the journals (which were usually very heavy slick encyclopedia like books, I know we are engineers and we are retarded, I fear for your safety). This was much faster but also very dangerous because we got a sick sense of pleasure from doing little amounts of pain to each other. One such incident was me being the middle man passing books down the aisle to shorten the toss. As I went to make my toss to A23 I notice he is not ready and isn't looking so I pause then toss. As I turn to catch the next brick I hear New Guy say "Oh shit" and then I tasted book. You know what it tastes like dust and blood, oh wait the blood is from my mouth, fuck me.
This is just one of the many injuries that I incured from the dangerous life of being a librarian. After the summer job was drawing to a close we were given the option to "interview" for a position during the school year. Well I thought this job could not get worse so I decided to apply. I was wrong. The director of the library hated me and to this day I do not know why. I just know that the Barb-arian tried to find special ways to make my life unhappy while at work. From making me catalog journals by the 1,000 by hand on what they called "the purple sheets". I tried to inquire as to what these sheets would be used for. In my second semester I was lucky enough to find out. They would be checked to make sure that they were in our collection and then would be copied by hand again to another binder with "the white sheets". I shit you not I thought I would have an aneursym when I found this out. It was at this point that I vowed I would do as little work as possible. I drew pictures, I wandered around, I would do homework and just generally find anyway I could to not do anything work related because the work was bullshit.
Also as an engineer what the fuck can I do with that on my resume "I was really good at throwing books and getting shit done really fast".
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
The Inner Engineer in us all
Ok so for those of you who don't know that read this I am a mechanical engineer. I have found out that this means several things for me in the stereotypes that are applied as well as the stereotypes that actually fit.
The first stereotype I was told when I decided to become an engineer is that engineers are socially inept. I would have to say that this is partially true for me. I am inept socially usually because my verbal filter is continually in the off position. I have been known to say very questionable things. None of this more evident than a few of the times I have been at strip clubs, or the occasional bikini bar (I don't really understand the principle but it was still entertaining). One of the things I said at the bikini bar, with the "dancer" (I use that term loosely I could have done what she was doing) sitting on my friends lap, "You know I wonder if she realizes it but her stretch marks are really highlighted by this black light" (I still don't know why she didn't hit me she should have). I have many other stripper stories that I will tell later (none of which truly involve me more of just an I was there thing).
Another example of my verbal diarrhea was on a truly terrible date. I was asked my opinion of suicide (on the first date I should have turned and ran then). I said "Anyone who wants to die doesn't attempt suicide they succeed, if you fail you don't really want to do it. I can tell you a 1000 ways to do it and none will fail." She replied "I have attempted suicide 3 times" My mouth was wide open and my brain was frozen. I heard myself say "Maybe the 4th times a charm". The only thing I could have said that possibly was worse would have been "Wow your a failure at everything". I know I'm an asshole.
Another stereotype I have heard applied to engineers is nerdy. Now this one applies to me partially as well. I mean I read and not just books but god forbid comics too. I also scored well on the SATs and ACTs. But I didn't like school, especially high school. The number of days I missed is epic. I was called into Newton Highschool to discuss my attendance issues even though I had a 3.9 GPA. The principal said "You just need to be here and you if you don't come it is going to be the same when you get a job". Not at all true a job pays me money you give me shit and are just bitter that a 10th grader uses words you don't know. I used the word caveat, it looked like he had an anyerusym. Then in Saranac Lake the same thing with another visit to the prinicipal. The best he could do was to tell me that it reflected poorly upon me. In total I missed over 100 days of school my final 2 years. I did catch up on alot of sleep. I also don't whack it to Steve Jobs' picture.
Engineers are Cheap. This one is a resounding yes for me. I am very very cheap. Mostly with myself. The laptop I am typing this on is over 7 years old and refurbished. The screen can no longer support its own weight so for over a year I typed with one hand (que masterbation jokes). Instead of purchasing a new laptop I decided to build a PVC bracket to support the screen. I'm not sure what is more sad, that I take the laptop apart to lube the fan or that I was really proud when the bracket worked (fuck you all its awesome and cost like 2.57). I also shop whereever is cheapest and will wear anything that fits and doesn't make me look flamboyantly gay (ie purple sweat pants *breaks into a cold sweat*) or a hobo (again purple sweat pants).
Those are the only stereotypes that I know for engineers that I can say truly fit me. Engineers aren't supposed to be able to write and I think this blog proves that I can put down my thoughts at least semi coherently. Is being a chronic masterbater an engineering stereotype... it is? OK damn.
The first stereotype I was told when I decided to become an engineer is that engineers are socially inept. I would have to say that this is partially true for me. I am inept socially usually because my verbal filter is continually in the off position. I have been known to say very questionable things. None of this more evident than a few of the times I have been at strip clubs, or the occasional bikini bar (I don't really understand the principle but it was still entertaining). One of the things I said at the bikini bar, with the "dancer" (I use that term loosely I could have done what she was doing) sitting on my friends lap, "You know I wonder if she realizes it but her stretch marks are really highlighted by this black light" (I still don't know why she didn't hit me she should have). I have many other stripper stories that I will tell later (none of which truly involve me more of just an I was there thing).
Another example of my verbal diarrhea was on a truly terrible date. I was asked my opinion of suicide (on the first date I should have turned and ran then). I said "Anyone who wants to die doesn't attempt suicide they succeed, if you fail you don't really want to do it. I can tell you a 1000 ways to do it and none will fail." She replied "I have attempted suicide 3 times" My mouth was wide open and my brain was frozen. I heard myself say "Maybe the 4th times a charm". The only thing I could have said that possibly was worse would have been "Wow your a failure at everything". I know I'm an asshole.
Another stereotype I have heard applied to engineers is nerdy. Now this one applies to me partially as well. I mean I read and not just books but god forbid comics too. I also scored well on the SATs and ACTs. But I didn't like school, especially high school. The number of days I missed is epic. I was called into Newton Highschool to discuss my attendance issues even though I had a 3.9 GPA. The principal said "You just need to be here and you if you don't come it is going to be the same when you get a job". Not at all true a job pays me money you give me shit and are just bitter that a 10th grader uses words you don't know. I used the word caveat, it looked like he had an anyerusym. Then in Saranac Lake the same thing with another visit to the prinicipal. The best he could do was to tell me that it reflected poorly upon me. In total I missed over 100 days of school my final 2 years. I did catch up on alot of sleep. I also don't whack it to Steve Jobs' picture.
Engineers are Cheap. This one is a resounding yes for me. I am very very cheap. Mostly with myself. The laptop I am typing this on is over 7 years old and refurbished. The screen can no longer support its own weight so for over a year I typed with one hand (que masterbation jokes). Instead of purchasing a new laptop I decided to build a PVC bracket to support the screen. I'm not sure what is more sad, that I take the laptop apart to lube the fan or that I was really proud when the bracket worked (fuck you all its awesome and cost like 2.57). I also shop whereever is cheapest and will wear anything that fits and doesn't make me look flamboyantly gay (ie purple sweat pants *breaks into a cold sweat*) or a hobo (again purple sweat pants).
Those are the only stereotypes that I know for engineers that I can say truly fit me. Engineers aren't supposed to be able to write and I think this blog proves that I can put down my thoughts at least semi coherently. Is being a chronic masterbater an engineering stereotype... it is? OK damn.
Monday, April 27, 2009
I'm not fat I'm big boned
Ok so to start off everyone I know seems to insist that I am not fat. I'm at the very least a big bastard. But the government is of the opinion that you could launch me from a dock with a full crew. I am in the category of morbid obesity. When I play Wii Fit it mocks me mercilessly. My character looks like he should roll across the screen, Cartman aint got shit on me.
This lead me to think about all the problems with being "big". Not necessairly the typical problems like a flight of 3 stairs giving you a panic attack or anything. More along the lines of every car I have sat in since 13 is too small. I can make my head rub the ceiling and my shoulders rub the sides. If it has a sunroof I can drive while dodging bugs. I envied little people during tests in college. Sadists design those desks and I hope there is a special place in hell reserved for them. Other examples of being large causing issues is at bars. If you are big people love to try to start shit. This is not Rocky IV, I am not Ivan Drago, and you do not hear the Eye Of The Tiger, so fuck off.
Also because your big people think shit doesn't hurt the same. I dunno if this is true or not because obviously I have never felt others pain. But for specific pains such as shots to the nuts, internal organs, or the tip of the dick I have to believe they all hurt the fucking same. Also the assumption that big=dumb is very irritating. Just because your height is higher than your IQ does not mean that mine is. Also just because I am big and most likely strong doesn't mean I want to lift your fridge (which I have done as well as a stack washer and dryer, piano, and my personal favorite a fucking full size soda vending machine by myself at 16).
If any other "big" people would like to throw shit out there im open to suggestions. And mobile homes are built for midgets.
This lead me to think about all the problems with being "big". Not necessairly the typical problems like a flight of 3 stairs giving you a panic attack or anything. More along the lines of every car I have sat in since 13 is too small. I can make my head rub the ceiling and my shoulders rub the sides. If it has a sunroof I can drive while dodging bugs. I envied little people during tests in college. Sadists design those desks and I hope there is a special place in hell reserved for them. Other examples of being large causing issues is at bars. If you are big people love to try to start shit. This is not Rocky IV, I am not Ivan Drago, and you do not hear the Eye Of The Tiger, so fuck off.
Also because your big people think shit doesn't hurt the same. I dunno if this is true or not because obviously I have never felt others pain. But for specific pains such as shots to the nuts, internal organs, or the tip of the dick I have to believe they all hurt the fucking same. Also the assumption that big=dumb is very irritating. Just because your height is higher than your IQ does not mean that mine is. Also just because I am big and most likely strong doesn't mean I want to lift your fridge (which I have done as well as a stack washer and dryer, piano, and my personal favorite a fucking full size soda vending machine by myself at 16).
If any other "big" people would like to throw shit out there im open to suggestions. And mobile homes are built for midgets.
But if I don't buy a new pair of Tim's I'm unamerican
I am currently unemployed. It blows. I do work for the Census part time but it essentially pays the same as unemployment and require so little of my brain that I might start drooling on myself, so I am in my mind unemployed. I got to this situation through no real fault of my own. I'm sure if I was more politically correct or more "moldable" (I know that's not a word fuck off) at my previous job I may still be employed but for anyone who knows me its pretty much not possible. This all leaves me a bit bitter. Not alot but enough to get irritated at all the idiots that seem to continuously put the economy in a state of termoil.
The people who I am most frustrated with are the people who continously get the bonuses and buyouts from companies like AIG and FannieMae. I have never gotten more money for sucking at my job. In fact I was pretty damn good at my job and I got shit canned (they say laid off but that term just pisses me off more). I didn't get millions of dollars I got a pat on the back a few weeks pay and a swift kick out the door.
Why do we reward this behavior? What on earth does this say to kids and adults in across the country. If you suck dick hard enough at what you do you can make millions!! If you are the Aurora Snow of the financial world you will cash in huge!! So what about all of the people that got shit on in the process thats just the American public they all should be wearing helmets. I dunno about everyone else but if I'm gonna get fucked in the ass that hard I would at least like a reach around and a diaper for after.
Oh wait the stimulus package was the reach around. 25 fucking dollars a week. Seriously?!?! I mean really 25 fucking dollars. How about we give the heads of all those companys the 25 dollars and split all of their bonuses among the hard working Americans who are actually vested in the country enough to care.
The second group of people that make me want to kick an old person is any person who is in debt up to their asshole. I don't understand it (this does not include people who have realized the error of their ways and are making strides to fix it). I can't even fathom it. I get cold sweats when I think about owing anyone anything and some of these people have literally sold their soul to the devil for a pair of Tim's. People in NYC who make the decision between dinner and a Denali. I have been on the Ramen diet and I can't imagine it gets better when you use the seat warmer and cigarette lighter to cook it. These people need to be quickly castrated so they cannot proliferate and fuck up my life further. You know they are using their 25 dollar stimulus check to buy Tim's that fell of the back of a truck. How the fuck does that stimulate the economy. Putting it in the crack pipe doesn't stimulate shit for me.
While we are on the topic of stupid people I feel like Darwin may have been right about natural selection to a point but with humans I feel like it gets all fucked up. The most fit survive and proliferate a new generation of people. But with humans the people who usually have the most kids are the dumbest. Their should be an IQ test or women and men need to have a device with a puzzle of some sort attached to their fun parts. This way before you can play a lil slap and tickle you have to do a jumble or something. I'm not talking about the rubix cube or anything because then the only thing that would happen is all of the uber dorks in the world would be jerkin it to anime and the human race would die out. The only way that this makes sense to me in any sense of thinking is that the people who are just smart enough to figure out how to insert rod A into slot B have to make 5 times as much because of the rate that they die out(Redneck famous last words "Hey Ya'll, watch this") . The other part of this that bothers me is how much sex they must be having to accomplish this, lucky sons of bitches.
This one feels like I rambled alot, eh fuck it.
The people who I am most frustrated with are the people who continously get the bonuses and buyouts from companies like AIG and FannieMae. I have never gotten more money for sucking at my job. In fact I was pretty damn good at my job and I got shit canned (they say laid off but that term just pisses me off more). I didn't get millions of dollars I got a pat on the back a few weeks pay and a swift kick out the door.
Why do we reward this behavior? What on earth does this say to kids and adults in across the country. If you suck dick hard enough at what you do you can make millions!! If you are the Aurora Snow of the financial world you will cash in huge!! So what about all of the people that got shit on in the process thats just the American public they all should be wearing helmets. I dunno about everyone else but if I'm gonna get fucked in the ass that hard I would at least like a reach around and a diaper for after.
Oh wait the stimulus package was the reach around. 25 fucking dollars a week. Seriously?!?! I mean really 25 fucking dollars. How about we give the heads of all those companys the 25 dollars and split all of their bonuses among the hard working Americans who are actually vested in the country enough to care.
The second group of people that make me want to kick an old person is any person who is in debt up to their asshole. I don't understand it (this does not include people who have realized the error of their ways and are making strides to fix it). I can't even fathom it. I get cold sweats when I think about owing anyone anything and some of these people have literally sold their soul to the devil for a pair of Tim's. People in NYC who make the decision between dinner and a Denali. I have been on the Ramen diet and I can't imagine it gets better when you use the seat warmer and cigarette lighter to cook it. These people need to be quickly castrated so they cannot proliferate and fuck up my life further. You know they are using their 25 dollar stimulus check to buy Tim's that fell of the back of a truck. How the fuck does that stimulate the economy. Putting it in the crack pipe doesn't stimulate shit for me.
While we are on the topic of stupid people I feel like Darwin may have been right about natural selection to a point but with humans I feel like it gets all fucked up. The most fit survive and proliferate a new generation of people. But with humans the people who usually have the most kids are the dumbest. Their should be an IQ test or women and men need to have a device with a puzzle of some sort attached to their fun parts. This way before you can play a lil slap and tickle you have to do a jumble or something. I'm not talking about the rubix cube or anything because then the only thing that would happen is all of the uber dorks in the world would be jerkin it to anime and the human race would die out. The only way that this makes sense to me in any sense of thinking is that the people who are just smart enough to figure out how to insert rod A into slot B have to make 5 times as much because of the rate that they die out(Redneck famous last words "Hey Ya'll, watch this") . The other part of this that bothers me is how much sex they must be having to accomplish this, lucky sons of bitches.
This one feels like I rambled alot, eh fuck it.
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