Ok so for those of you who don't know that read this I am a mechanical engineer. I have found out that this means several things for me in the stereotypes that are applied as well as the stereotypes that actually fit.
The first stereotype I was told when I decided to become an engineer is that engineers are socially inept. I would have to say that this is partially true for me. I am inept socially usually because my verbal filter is continually in the off position. I have been known to say very questionable things. None of this more evident than a few of the times I have been at strip clubs, or the occasional bikini bar (I don't really understand the principle but it was still entertaining). One of the things I said at the bikini bar, with the "dancer" (I use that term loosely I could have done what she was doing) sitting on my friends lap, "You know I wonder if she realizes it but her stretch marks are really highlighted by this black light" (I still don't know why she didn't hit me she should have). I have many other stripper stories that I will tell later (none of which truly involve me more of just an I was there thing).
Another example of my verbal diarrhea was on a truly terrible date. I was asked my opinion of suicide (on the first date I should have turned and ran then). I said "Anyone who wants to die doesn't attempt suicide they succeed, if you fail you don't really want to do it. I can tell you a 1000 ways to do it and none will fail." She replied "I have attempted suicide 3 times" My mouth was wide open and my brain was frozen. I heard myself say "Maybe the 4th times a charm". The only thing I could have said that possibly was worse would have been "Wow your a failure at everything". I know I'm an asshole.
Another stereotype I have heard applied to engineers is nerdy. Now this one applies to me partially as well. I mean I read and not just books but god forbid comics too. I also scored well on the SATs and ACTs. But I didn't like school, especially high school. The number of days I missed is epic. I was called into Newton Highschool to discuss my attendance issues even though I had a 3.9 GPA. The principal said "You just need to be here and you if you don't come it is going to be the same when you get a job". Not at all true a job pays me money you give me shit and are just bitter that a 10th grader uses words you don't know. I used the word caveat, it looked like he had an anyerusym. Then in Saranac Lake the same thing with another visit to the prinicipal. The best he could do was to tell me that it reflected poorly upon me. In total I missed over 100 days of school my final 2 years. I did catch up on alot of sleep. I also don't whack it to Steve Jobs' picture.
Engineers are Cheap. This one is a resounding yes for me. I am very very cheap. Mostly with myself. The laptop I am typing this on is over 7 years old and refurbished. The screen can no longer support its own weight so for over a year I typed with one hand (que masterbation jokes). Instead of purchasing a new laptop I decided to build a PVC bracket to support the screen. I'm not sure what is more sad, that I take the laptop apart to lube the fan or that I was really proud when the bracket worked (fuck you all its awesome and cost like 2.57). I also shop whereever is cheapest and will wear anything that fits and doesn't make me look flamboyantly gay (ie purple sweat pants *breaks into a cold sweat*) or a hobo (again purple sweat pants).
Those are the only stereotypes that I know for engineers that I can say truly fit me. Engineers aren't supposed to be able to write and I think this blog proves that I can put down my thoughts at least semi coherently. Is being a chronic masterbater an engineering stereotype... it is? OK damn.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
I'm not fat I'm big boned
Ok so to start off everyone I know seems to insist that I am not fat. I'm at the very least a big bastard. But the government is of the opinion that you could launch me from a dock with a full crew. I am in the category of morbid obesity. When I play Wii Fit it mocks me mercilessly. My character looks like he should roll across the screen, Cartman aint got shit on me.
This lead me to think about all the problems with being "big". Not necessairly the typical problems like a flight of 3 stairs giving you a panic attack or anything. More along the lines of every car I have sat in since 13 is too small. I can make my head rub the ceiling and my shoulders rub the sides. If it has a sunroof I can drive while dodging bugs. I envied little people during tests in college. Sadists design those desks and I hope there is a special place in hell reserved for them. Other examples of being large causing issues is at bars. If you are big people love to try to start shit. This is not Rocky IV, I am not Ivan Drago, and you do not hear the Eye Of The Tiger, so fuck off.
Also because your big people think shit doesn't hurt the same. I dunno if this is true or not because obviously I have never felt others pain. But for specific pains such as shots to the nuts, internal organs, or the tip of the dick I have to believe they all hurt the fucking same. Also the assumption that big=dumb is very irritating. Just because your height is higher than your IQ does not mean that mine is. Also just because I am big and most likely strong doesn't mean I want to lift your fridge (which I have done as well as a stack washer and dryer, piano, and my personal favorite a fucking full size soda vending machine by myself at 16).
If any other "big" people would like to throw shit out there im open to suggestions. And mobile homes are built for midgets.
This lead me to think about all the problems with being "big". Not necessairly the typical problems like a flight of 3 stairs giving you a panic attack or anything. More along the lines of every car I have sat in since 13 is too small. I can make my head rub the ceiling and my shoulders rub the sides. If it has a sunroof I can drive while dodging bugs. I envied little people during tests in college. Sadists design those desks and I hope there is a special place in hell reserved for them. Other examples of being large causing issues is at bars. If you are big people love to try to start shit. This is not Rocky IV, I am not Ivan Drago, and you do not hear the Eye Of The Tiger, so fuck off.
Also because your big people think shit doesn't hurt the same. I dunno if this is true or not because obviously I have never felt others pain. But for specific pains such as shots to the nuts, internal organs, or the tip of the dick I have to believe they all hurt the fucking same. Also the assumption that big=dumb is very irritating. Just because your height is higher than your IQ does not mean that mine is. Also just because I am big and most likely strong doesn't mean I want to lift your fridge (which I have done as well as a stack washer and dryer, piano, and my personal favorite a fucking full size soda vending machine by myself at 16).
If any other "big" people would like to throw shit out there im open to suggestions. And mobile homes are built for midgets.
But if I don't buy a new pair of Tim's I'm unamerican
I am currently unemployed. It blows. I do work for the Census part time but it essentially pays the same as unemployment and require so little of my brain that I might start drooling on myself, so I am in my mind unemployed. I got to this situation through no real fault of my own. I'm sure if I was more politically correct or more "moldable" (I know that's not a word fuck off) at my previous job I may still be employed but for anyone who knows me its pretty much not possible. This all leaves me a bit bitter. Not alot but enough to get irritated at all the idiots that seem to continuously put the economy in a state of termoil.
The people who I am most frustrated with are the people who continously get the bonuses and buyouts from companies like AIG and FannieMae. I have never gotten more money for sucking at my job. In fact I was pretty damn good at my job and I got shit canned (they say laid off but that term just pisses me off more). I didn't get millions of dollars I got a pat on the back a few weeks pay and a swift kick out the door.
Why do we reward this behavior? What on earth does this say to kids and adults in across the country. If you suck dick hard enough at what you do you can make millions!! If you are the Aurora Snow of the financial world you will cash in huge!! So what about all of the people that got shit on in the process thats just the American public they all should be wearing helmets. I dunno about everyone else but if I'm gonna get fucked in the ass that hard I would at least like a reach around and a diaper for after.
Oh wait the stimulus package was the reach around. 25 fucking dollars a week. Seriously?!?! I mean really 25 fucking dollars. How about we give the heads of all those companys the 25 dollars and split all of their bonuses among the hard working Americans who are actually vested in the country enough to care.
The second group of people that make me want to kick an old person is any person who is in debt up to their asshole. I don't understand it (this does not include people who have realized the error of their ways and are making strides to fix it). I can't even fathom it. I get cold sweats when I think about owing anyone anything and some of these people have literally sold their soul to the devil for a pair of Tim's. People in NYC who make the decision between dinner and a Denali. I have been on the Ramen diet and I can't imagine it gets better when you use the seat warmer and cigarette lighter to cook it. These people need to be quickly castrated so they cannot proliferate and fuck up my life further. You know they are using their 25 dollar stimulus check to buy Tim's that fell of the back of a truck. How the fuck does that stimulate the economy. Putting it in the crack pipe doesn't stimulate shit for me.
While we are on the topic of stupid people I feel like Darwin may have been right about natural selection to a point but with humans I feel like it gets all fucked up. The most fit survive and proliferate a new generation of people. But with humans the people who usually have the most kids are the dumbest. Their should be an IQ test or women and men need to have a device with a puzzle of some sort attached to their fun parts. This way before you can play a lil slap and tickle you have to do a jumble or something. I'm not talking about the rubix cube or anything because then the only thing that would happen is all of the uber dorks in the world would be jerkin it to anime and the human race would die out. The only way that this makes sense to me in any sense of thinking is that the people who are just smart enough to figure out how to insert rod A into slot B have to make 5 times as much because of the rate that they die out(Redneck famous last words "Hey Ya'll, watch this") . The other part of this that bothers me is how much sex they must be having to accomplish this, lucky sons of bitches.
This one feels like I rambled alot, eh fuck it.
The people who I am most frustrated with are the people who continously get the bonuses and buyouts from companies like AIG and FannieMae. I have never gotten more money for sucking at my job. In fact I was pretty damn good at my job and I got shit canned (they say laid off but that term just pisses me off more). I didn't get millions of dollars I got a pat on the back a few weeks pay and a swift kick out the door.
Why do we reward this behavior? What on earth does this say to kids and adults in across the country. If you suck dick hard enough at what you do you can make millions!! If you are the Aurora Snow of the financial world you will cash in huge!! So what about all of the people that got shit on in the process thats just the American public they all should be wearing helmets. I dunno about everyone else but if I'm gonna get fucked in the ass that hard I would at least like a reach around and a diaper for after.
Oh wait the stimulus package was the reach around. 25 fucking dollars a week. Seriously?!?! I mean really 25 fucking dollars. How about we give the heads of all those companys the 25 dollars and split all of their bonuses among the hard working Americans who are actually vested in the country enough to care.
The second group of people that make me want to kick an old person is any person who is in debt up to their asshole. I don't understand it (this does not include people who have realized the error of their ways and are making strides to fix it). I can't even fathom it. I get cold sweats when I think about owing anyone anything and some of these people have literally sold their soul to the devil for a pair of Tim's. People in NYC who make the decision between dinner and a Denali. I have been on the Ramen diet and I can't imagine it gets better when you use the seat warmer and cigarette lighter to cook it. These people need to be quickly castrated so they cannot proliferate and fuck up my life further. You know they are using their 25 dollar stimulus check to buy Tim's that fell of the back of a truck. How the fuck does that stimulate the economy. Putting it in the crack pipe doesn't stimulate shit for me.
While we are on the topic of stupid people I feel like Darwin may have been right about natural selection to a point but with humans I feel like it gets all fucked up. The most fit survive and proliferate a new generation of people. But with humans the people who usually have the most kids are the dumbest. Their should be an IQ test or women and men need to have a device with a puzzle of some sort attached to their fun parts. This way before you can play a lil slap and tickle you have to do a jumble or something. I'm not talking about the rubix cube or anything because then the only thing that would happen is all of the uber dorks in the world would be jerkin it to anime and the human race would die out. The only way that this makes sense to me in any sense of thinking is that the people who are just smart enough to figure out how to insert rod A into slot B have to make 5 times as much because of the rate that they die out(Redneck famous last words "Hey Ya'll, watch this") . The other part of this that bothers me is how much sex they must be having to accomplish this, lucky sons of bitches.
This one feels like I rambled alot, eh fuck it.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
People who shouldn't read what I write
This list may continue to grow because I am sure I can't come up with them all at once so the list will evolve.
1)People who take themselves to seriously.
2)People who take me seriously.
3)People who like the color brown.
4)People who are easily offended.
5)Sea creatures that start with the letter M.
6)Anyone over 30 in my family cuz I don't wanna have that talk.
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7) People who are dead but refuse to accept it.
8) People who bury NFL Franchises.
9) People who refuse to update their wardrobe beyond the decade they became "cool".
This list will continue as soon as new specific people give me reasons to put them on here.
1)People who take themselves to seriously.
2)People who take me seriously.
3)People who like the color brown.
4)People who are easily offended.
5)Sea creatures that start with the letter M.
6)Anyone over 30 in my family cuz I don't wanna have that talk.
-
7) People who are dead but refuse to accept it.
8) People who bury NFL Franchises.
9) People who refuse to update their wardrobe beyond the decade they became "cool".
This list will continue as soon as new specific people give me reasons to put them on here.
Raise your hand if you've ever been given the "free gift"... No one? I hate you all.
For my birthday when I was thirteen I may have received one of the shittiest gifts ever. I know what you are thinking though "But it was a gift its the thought that counts." This would be true if there was a thought put into it.
Tales of crap gifts I have received have been EPIC. Those will all be addressed in later blogs. This one stands out as a contender for the top. You know when you buy a magazine subscription like TIME you sometimes get a free gift? Well I have received one. It was a Panoramic camera... with no film... no flash... and the film door would not shut. So I essentially received an 8 oz. piece of injection molded plastic. WHAT THE FUCK. It would be fine if that was a gag gift or something but no that was the ONLY GIFT. It was not even wrapped because that would have taken effort and would have made the gift worth $0.06 that the tape and paper cost. Children in China died to make this piece of shit. This piece of shit was the Anti-gift because I hate pictures. I hate taking pictures and I hate being in pictures. Obviously if you despise pictures the perfect gift... a panoramic camera, thank you mom. This is right up there with paying for my own bike on my 15th birthday (only gift) and buying my own bus ticket to NY for my 17th birthday (only gift). Yes those things were actually called gifts by the people who "gave" them too me and will be covered in another story.
If any of you ever do this to your children I hate you in advance. You will contract some form of Super Aids and deserve the pineapples in the ass you will receive in hell.
Tales of crap gifts I have received have been EPIC. Those will all be addressed in later blogs. This one stands out as a contender for the top. You know when you buy a magazine subscription like TIME you sometimes get a free gift? Well I have received one. It was a Panoramic camera... with no film... no flash... and the film door would not shut. So I essentially received an 8 oz. piece of injection molded plastic. WHAT THE FUCK. It would be fine if that was a gag gift or something but no that was the ONLY GIFT. It was not even wrapped because that would have taken effort and would have made the gift worth $0.06 that the tape and paper cost. Children in China died to make this piece of shit. This piece of shit was the Anti-gift because I hate pictures. I hate taking pictures and I hate being in pictures. Obviously if you despise pictures the perfect gift... a panoramic camera, thank you mom. This is right up there with paying for my own bike on my 15th birthday (only gift) and buying my own bus ticket to NY for my 17th birthday (only gift). Yes those things were actually called gifts by the people who "gave" them too me and will be covered in another story.
If any of you ever do this to your children I hate you in advance. You will contract some form of Super Aids and deserve the pineapples in the ass you will receive in hell.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
George W. Bush wrote the Census Training manual
That is the only possible explanation because it is DUMB. I mean really really dumb, it wallows in it's stupidity. Did you know to pass the test to become a US Census employee you need to get a 12... out of 28. Really?!?!?! Even if I guess on every one of the questions I should get a 7 because there were four answers for each question. That means I only have to get 5 others right to be considered smart enough to pass the test. I have no words, they fail me. Also did you know that a cave could be considered a place of residence. So Batman could claim to live in the batcave?!?!?! Fucking A right that is the most bad ass home ever. Also a cardboard box is considered a potential residence. So what if you have a hobo in a box in a cave and another hobo with no box in the cave? OR what if you have several hobos with boxes all in the same cave is that like an apartment building? How do you label that as a residence. And is the hobo with the microwave box and no shopping cart bringing down the property value of the hobo with an HDTV box and Sam's Club shopping cart? These were the things that I was thinking while training today because thats how bored I was. The US Census counting on our toes since 1780.
Call me Ishmael...
So to understand this story and the subsequent stories that will follow I need to explain a little bit about where I went to school. It is a sausage fest. It should be known as Cockson University because that is all there is as far as the eye can see. This leads to a phenomenon that is known as the Clarkson Scale. You can call it chauvinistic pig like behavior but I know women do it too so eat me. Well it essentially guarantees any woman 3 points higher if the attend Clarkson. It also means that guys at Clarkson attempt to define new levels of drunk to justify this shift.
It was the first big party weekend back at school and one of my good friends, Tiny, attended a camo party at a frat. It is a decision that has changed his life (he officially became a prisoner of war). Every guy had to be handcuffed to a female (Not all the women were from Clarkson because well there we don't have that many women). Petey was there and got handcuffed to a fairly attractive women but wouldn't have known what to do if she had whipped his penis out and said let me handle this (that's just Petey). Statutory was attached to a woman taller and larger than he is which isn't hard because he is the size of a 90 yr Chinese woman. For the purposes of this story none of that matters and they could be gay.
Tiny tells me starts telling me this story and that he and the girl he was handcuffed to won because they were handcuffed together for the longest. And in the great tradition of Clarkson Fraternities they were douchebags who didn't bitched out and didn't give the said prize of a bottle of liquor (which I later found out Tiny really could have used). Well his companion was coming onto him pretty hard and long story short they played a game of hide the sausage.
The one thing that stuck out to me throughout the entire story was how little details he gave about his new friends appearance. Now I think it is the same for both sexes in that the less details you share the more it says. Literally the only detail he gave me was she was a girl and she was kinda chubby. I latched onto this like an attack dog. Just some of the things to come out of my mouth:
"Oh my god you fucked a sea creature"
"Did she have a blow hole, I bet you tried to put it in her blow hole"
"Ahab finally speared the great white beast... All Night Long"
"Is she coming over, I need to get some whale mating sounds ready to help you set the mood"
So she was briefly was known as the whale because I really really wanted to call him Ahab. I mean fucking Ahab you obviously see where im coming from. This continued for a few days and Tiny because he goes to Clarkson did what any self respecting Clarkson male would do and continued sinking the harpoon in the blow hole. I don't even judge him for it cuz he took the beating I was giving him like a man. The whale was attempting to corner him into a relationship which he told her repeatedly he was not going to do. She called and texted and badgered. She even went so far as to come to the Clarkson library and hang out "running" into him repeatedly. No one hangs out at the Clarkson library we are continuously voted in the 10 worst libraries in the nation. Its like hookers who hang out at truck stops. It screams give me some dick.
It is there that I had the opportunity to meet a sea creature. I was introduced to her and immediately felt like I needed a shower. It was nothing to do with her physical appearance. It was her essence. Eau de Whore oozed from her every pore. She was wearing a hookers uniform to the library. And it was whores uniform that, much like the Grinch's heart, was two sizes too small. She had her rolls on display like a bakery and no one was offering the glaze. In my 3 minutes of trying to converse with her I learned 3 things:
1) She was a whore, there was no hiding it you could see that shit from space (this is reinforced later)
2) She was dumb, painfully dumb had issues forming thoughts dumb.
3) She was mean, usually directing it at women who weren't dumb, and at least outwardly didn't cause the mental image of dropping my hotdog into the grand canyon.
This is just the begining of our adventures with what is now known simply as "The Manatee". Tune in next week kids, same bat time, same bat channel. Snoochie booches.
It was the first big party weekend back at school and one of my good friends, Tiny, attended a camo party at a frat. It is a decision that has changed his life (he officially became a prisoner of war). Every guy had to be handcuffed to a female (Not all the women were from Clarkson because well there we don't have that many women). Petey was there and got handcuffed to a fairly attractive women but wouldn't have known what to do if she had whipped his penis out and said let me handle this (that's just Petey). Statutory was attached to a woman taller and larger than he is which isn't hard because he is the size of a 90 yr Chinese woman. For the purposes of this story none of that matters and they could be gay.
Tiny tells me starts telling me this story and that he and the girl he was handcuffed to won because they were handcuffed together for the longest. And in the great tradition of Clarkson Fraternities they were douchebags who didn't bitched out and didn't give the said prize of a bottle of liquor (which I later found out Tiny really could have used). Well his companion was coming onto him pretty hard and long story short they played a game of hide the sausage.
The one thing that stuck out to me throughout the entire story was how little details he gave about his new friends appearance. Now I think it is the same for both sexes in that the less details you share the more it says. Literally the only detail he gave me was she was a girl and she was kinda chubby. I latched onto this like an attack dog. Just some of the things to come out of my mouth:
"Oh my god you fucked a sea creature"
"Did she have a blow hole, I bet you tried to put it in her blow hole"
"Ahab finally speared the great white beast... All Night Long"
"Is she coming over, I need to get some whale mating sounds ready to help you set the mood"
So she was briefly was known as the whale because I really really wanted to call him Ahab. I mean fucking Ahab you obviously see where im coming from. This continued for a few days and Tiny because he goes to Clarkson did what any self respecting Clarkson male would do and continued sinking the harpoon in the blow hole. I don't even judge him for it cuz he took the beating I was giving him like a man. The whale was attempting to corner him into a relationship which he told her repeatedly he was not going to do. She called and texted and badgered. She even went so far as to come to the Clarkson library and hang out "running" into him repeatedly. No one hangs out at the Clarkson library we are continuously voted in the 10 worst libraries in the nation. Its like hookers who hang out at truck stops. It screams give me some dick.
It is there that I had the opportunity to meet a sea creature. I was introduced to her and immediately felt like I needed a shower. It was nothing to do with her physical appearance. It was her essence. Eau de Whore oozed from her every pore. She was wearing a hookers uniform to the library. And it was whores uniform that, much like the Grinch's heart, was two sizes too small. She had her rolls on display like a bakery and no one was offering the glaze. In my 3 minutes of trying to converse with her I learned 3 things:
1) She was a whore, there was no hiding it you could see that shit from space (this is reinforced later)
2) She was dumb, painfully dumb had issues forming thoughts dumb.
3) She was mean, usually directing it at women who weren't dumb, and at least outwardly didn't cause the mental image of dropping my hotdog into the grand canyon.
This is just the begining of our adventures with what is now known simply as "The Manatee". Tune in next week kids, same bat time, same bat channel. Snoochie booches.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Eatin' pants
I wanted to discuss something I don't think most people think about too often. The reason's they purchase the clothes they do. Most people as far as I can tell purchase clothes solely based upon the way they look or how people will perceive they look in them. I am occasionally guilty of this when it comes to essentially buying clothes that I hate. I can't shop at any store that is considered cool because I apparently am not shaped at all like a cool kid. I never have been shaped that way even when I was relatively skinny ( Shut up its happened). If I attempt to wear anything that looks remotely cool immediately I look like a chubby guy in a tube top. I have friends that can attest to the fact that I have went into stores and walked directly up to the sales person asking "Whats your biggest pair of jeans?". Pause because the two brain cells they use to do this job are chasing each other... "Inane response". My reply "Yea that aint happening".
When I shop there are a few specific things that I look for. Comfort is the biggest with the way that it looks coming in second. That said comfort means several things. I have actually purchased a pair of pants in high school for the sole reason that they would expand when I ate myself into a stupor. I don't mean thanksgiving which is the amateurs eating holiday. If you only bring out the sweat pants for one day a year sit down you don't impress me. I had a pair of khaki pants that tied around the waist. Those pants saw me through some of my most gluttonous and voracious of celebrations. The five pound hamburger that I took apart in 21 minutes (the first half in 5... I was sick but could not allow the crazy tiny Asian woman next to me to beat me, she was a beast). The 5 subway footlong subs in under a half hour to get the 6th one for free (I actually got 2 subs free because of the good old subway ticket promotion... Suck it Subway long and hard). And the buffet with 7 plates of shrimp, 5 dinner plates of salad and various other delicious entrees (The waitress at first thought I was stealing food so I insisted she watch me eat... The look of shear amazement mixed with terror that I was going to eat the pepper shaker is priceless to this day).
I have lacked a solid pair of eatin' pants for the last few years. There are many things that constitute a solid pair of eatin' pants.
1) No sweat pants you just look sloppy and while you may be a fat fuck there is no need for that
2) Expandability is a must, if it doesnt stretch well then you have to unbotton and we are officially back to point 1.
3)Stain resistance is a plus but not a neccesity. If you eat with like minded people a gravy boat in the lap is not just a possiblity but a reality.
4)Durability. This is a must because these pants will be your go to for any I'm fat bastard occasion.
5)Light weight. This is often overlooked but important for several reasons, if you just ate enough to get confused with a pregnant lady in her 3rd trimester you don't want anything hugging on your stuff. And eating massive quantities makes you sweat like a two dollar whore in church.
Damn I'm hungry. And I didn't even discuss my more recent eating accomplishments. If I ever get a pig I am naming him bacon. Mmmmmm bacon.
When I shop there are a few specific things that I look for. Comfort is the biggest with the way that it looks coming in second. That said comfort means several things. I have actually purchased a pair of pants in high school for the sole reason that they would expand when I ate myself into a stupor. I don't mean thanksgiving which is the amateurs eating holiday. If you only bring out the sweat pants for one day a year sit down you don't impress me. I had a pair of khaki pants that tied around the waist. Those pants saw me through some of my most gluttonous and voracious of celebrations. The five pound hamburger that I took apart in 21 minutes (the first half in 5... I was sick but could not allow the crazy tiny Asian woman next to me to beat me, she was a beast). The 5 subway footlong subs in under a half hour to get the 6th one for free (I actually got 2 subs free because of the good old subway ticket promotion... Suck it Subway long and hard). And the buffet with 7 plates of shrimp, 5 dinner plates of salad and various other delicious entrees (The waitress at first thought I was stealing food so I insisted she watch me eat... The look of shear amazement mixed with terror that I was going to eat the pepper shaker is priceless to this day).
I have lacked a solid pair of eatin' pants for the last few years. There are many things that constitute a solid pair of eatin' pants.
1) No sweat pants you just look sloppy and while you may be a fat fuck there is no need for that
2) Expandability is a must, if it doesnt stretch well then you have to unbotton and we are officially back to point 1.
3)Stain resistance is a plus but not a neccesity. If you eat with like minded people a gravy boat in the lap is not just a possiblity but a reality.
4)Durability. This is a must because these pants will be your go to for any I'm fat bastard occasion.
5)Light weight. This is often overlooked but important for several reasons, if you just ate enough to get confused with a pregnant lady in her 3rd trimester you don't want anything hugging on your stuff. And eating massive quantities makes you sweat like a two dollar whore in church.
Damn I'm hungry. And I didn't even discuss my more recent eating accomplishments. If I ever get a pig I am naming him bacon. Mmmmmm bacon.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
The foibles of parenting and purple sweat pants
When you hear the words purple sweat pants what comes to mind? Well if your lucky probably just that purple sweat pants. If your me you get cold sweats and feel like your in the 9th circle of hell. Why you may ask, well I will tell you.
When I was a kid my parents hated buying me clothes for several reasons. 1) They are cheap and I grew quickly. 2) They felt it would be okay to stick me in very awkward clothing that only fit because it was from people much older than me (think circa 1970's and you might be getting close, Or 1980's fitness wear). 3) I was a piggly lil sumbitch, and screw all the euphemisms they use like husky. Kids that are "husky" don't even use that word. I was a lil Cartman.
I got up for school one day and started to get dressed only to find that I was in my mind out of clean clothes. All I had left was a pair of purple sweat pants (fuck my life) and a hurts your eyes its so bright Hawaiian T-shirt with some knee socks and my black shoes. Soak that image alone for a second and be happy that you aren't me. Then add to it the fact that none of those things fit well. The purple sweat pants were TIGHT and I mean Olivia Newton John lets get physical tight. And they were high waters so my socks were pulled up and tucked into them. The Hawaiian T-shirt looked like Pac-man vomited on it. It was a cluster fuck of blue, red, yellow something you would expect to see Stevie Wonder in. And it was too tight, if I attempted to breathe and button at the same time one of us was going to lose that battle.
I walk down stairs to talk to my mom before school believing that there it is child abuse to let me out of the house this way. The conversation went like this:
Lee: Mom, I'm going to get something out of the dirty clothes to wear to school today.
Mom: No your not you look fine (she never looked up, not that I think she should have had to my clothes were screaming "I'M HERE I'M QUEER DEAL WITH IT so loud they heard it in the future)
Lee: MOM, I do not look fine I look stupid, Mom look.
Mom: (Looks up for about a third of a second) You look fine your wearing that to school.
So I wore that to school in fourth grade and the only thing that prevented me from getting my ass beat was probably pity. I mean at some point you just have to feel bad right. IF I ever have children the conversation will go something like this:
Kid: DAD, I'm going to get something out of the dirty clothes to wear to school today.
Future Lee: Why? (looks up) OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! You are staying home from school today we are buying your new clothes. Quick punch me in the face for what I'm doing to you.
In short please think about what you do to your children because you could always end up with ME ( I know scary right). Also I'm going to try to get an artists rendition of my outfit to display to help drive the point home. Purple sweat pants what the fuck?
When I was a kid my parents hated buying me clothes for several reasons. 1) They are cheap and I grew quickly. 2) They felt it would be okay to stick me in very awkward clothing that only fit because it was from people much older than me (think circa 1970's and you might be getting close, Or 1980's fitness wear). 3) I was a piggly lil sumbitch, and screw all the euphemisms they use like husky. Kids that are "husky" don't even use that word. I was a lil Cartman.
I got up for school one day and started to get dressed only to find that I was in my mind out of clean clothes. All I had left was a pair of purple sweat pants (fuck my life) and a hurts your eyes its so bright Hawaiian T-shirt with some knee socks and my black shoes. Soak that image alone for a second and be happy that you aren't me. Then add to it the fact that none of those things fit well. The purple sweat pants were TIGHT and I mean Olivia Newton John lets get physical tight. And they were high waters so my socks were pulled up and tucked into them. The Hawaiian T-shirt looked like Pac-man vomited on it. It was a cluster fuck of blue, red, yellow something you would expect to see Stevie Wonder in. And it was too tight, if I attempted to breathe and button at the same time one of us was going to lose that battle.
I walk down stairs to talk to my mom before school believing that there it is child abuse to let me out of the house this way. The conversation went like this:
Lee: Mom, I'm going to get something out of the dirty clothes to wear to school today.
Mom: No your not you look fine (she never looked up, not that I think she should have had to my clothes were screaming "I'M HERE I'M QUEER DEAL WITH IT so loud they heard it in the future)
Lee: MOM, I do not look fine I look stupid, Mom look.
Mom: (Looks up for about a third of a second) You look fine your wearing that to school.
So I wore that to school in fourth grade and the only thing that prevented me from getting my ass beat was probably pity. I mean at some point you just have to feel bad right. IF I ever have children the conversation will go something like this:
Kid: DAD, I'm going to get something out of the dirty clothes to wear to school today.
Future Lee: Why? (looks up) OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! You are staying home from school today we are buying your new clothes. Quick punch me in the face for what I'm doing to you.
In short please think about what you do to your children because you could always end up with ME ( I know scary right). Also I'm going to try to get an artists rendition of my outfit to display to help drive the point home. Purple sweat pants what the fuck?
Having a penis
Ok so while I am typing up other notes I think I will comment about having a penis. There are some solid things about the hang dang, peeing outside without squatting (god only know what women do if they hear a raccoon or bear), Peeing standing up in the bathroom, Urinals (except for they need to do away with the midget urinal, if you are that short just lean back and get it over the rim, show some cahones) amusing yourself as a child (If you are a boy who didn't wrestle with his ting ting on a minute by minute basis from the ages of 1 until well possibly now still if your bored then I don't think I want to talk to you) and thats pretty much all I got off the top of my head. Having a penis guarentees a few things, you will never have someone you don't know buy you a drink (unless you are at the wrong type of bar and in that case it may get you alot of drinks if you wear some spandex), you will get your ass beat when you get pulled over if you try to cry to get out of it ( and you deserve it), and you are vulnerable to the devastating nut tap/ nut shot (any man who read this just shook their head and shivered). There are many many other things including it being hideous, and only getting one type of orgasm (levels of intensity are not different types).
If I had a vagina I believe I would make full use of it in basically every sense of the word. You might have a hard time getting me to leave the house. Games like "I wonder if that will fit" and "Can we make it happen for a 37th time" would never lose interest. And I think I would still be fascinated by other vaginas and would abhor the penis. I can totally relate to lesbians that way. If I saw a man naked and knew he wanted to do that I might vomit on him at the thought just to get his ass to leave. That said I am very very glad that not all women are lesbians obviously. Another thing is I want to know who the first guy to come up with tickling the prostate was. I have to feel like that was an interesting Saturday at home for someone. I am totally ignorant of what if feels like and want to remain that way for the simple reason that it requires a woman (or myself *shivers*) to violate me in ways that large men in prison named Bubba violate smaller men in prison named Gary.
But was the guy sitting there tickling his butt hole and just went too far?!?!?! How does this happen? I consider some of the things that pop into my imagination fairly depraved but what in the fuck?!?! If you go near that area of my body you risk the limb. If I was a female I would probably also succeed in being the ugliest female possible and would therefore have to become a very butch lesbian. These are the thoughts that keep me from doing important things like curing cancer, engineering a perpetual motion machine, or getting laid. Damnit. That said what the fuck are you still doing here? I may have thought it but you read it, what does that say about you? *Points menacingly* YOU!!! Oh and berserker rage bitches Wolverine owns you all.
If I had a vagina I believe I would make full use of it in basically every sense of the word. You might have a hard time getting me to leave the house. Games like "I wonder if that will fit" and "Can we make it happen for a 37th time" would never lose interest. And I think I would still be fascinated by other vaginas and would abhor the penis. I can totally relate to lesbians that way. If I saw a man naked and knew he wanted to do that I might vomit on him at the thought just to get his ass to leave. That said I am very very glad that not all women are lesbians obviously. Another thing is I want to know who the first guy to come up with tickling the prostate was. I have to feel like that was an interesting Saturday at home for someone. I am totally ignorant of what if feels like and want to remain that way for the simple reason that it requires a woman (or myself *shivers*) to violate me in ways that large men in prison named Bubba violate smaller men in prison named Gary.
But was the guy sitting there tickling his butt hole and just went too far?!?!?! How does this happen? I consider some of the things that pop into my imagination fairly depraved but what in the fuck?!?! If you go near that area of my body you risk the limb. If I was a female I would probably also succeed in being the ugliest female possible and would therefore have to become a very butch lesbian. These are the thoughts that keep me from doing important things like curing cancer, engineering a perpetual motion machine, or getting laid. Damnit. That said what the fuck are you still doing here? I may have thought it but you read it, what does that say about you? *Points menacingly* YOU!!! Oh and berserker rage bitches Wolverine owns you all.
Explaining the name of my blog
I forgot that the name of my blog might require explanation for those of you who do not know me very well. I was dropped on my head when I was born or so I am told. I obviously cannot verify the story except to have been told it by 3 people who I have no reason to believe they would want to lie about it. I think that should paint a fairly solid picture of me as a person or my background. Whenever I tell someone this story they always feel the need to say some version of "So that explains it" which maybe it does maybe it doesn't I don't know what I would be like if I had not pulled a baby half gainer when I was born. And the worst part about all of this... My parents didn't even try to set me up for an easier life later by getting some sort of restitution.
I believe this also paints a very accurate picture of my parents. I honestly believe my head is slightly lopsided on top and they didn't even try to reshape it what the hell?!?! I wonder if I bounced or if it was more of a thud, hmmmm not something to try to experiment with. But in short I feel as if it may have affected me in some way so as it says this is what comes out. Now where the hell did Petey go? PETEY?!?!?! get your sweet ass back here.
I believe this also paints a very accurate picture of my parents. I honestly believe my head is slightly lopsided on top and they didn't even try to reshape it what the hell?!?! I wonder if I bounced or if it was more of a thud, hmmmm not something to try to experiment with. But in short I feel as if it may have affected me in some way so as it says this is what comes out. Now where the hell did Petey go? PETEY?!?!?! get your sweet ass back here.
So I have a blog...
Ok wow I have a blog... I never thought I would see the day. But well I am bored and always trying to come up with ways to entertain myself that don't include going to townee bars and making fun of the townees. Seriously what is wrong with some of these people I truly don't understand it. If your IQ is equal to the percentage of alcohol in your blood you would do humanity a huge favor by sitting on a 50's microwave on high for about an hour. No one needs to have these people around and its not just in Iowa. I know Iowa has an abundance but I have lived other places and these people are everywhere. They fuck like rabbits and die less than roaches. And with all the lead paint that you know they have eaten you would think they would be to dumb to fuck but apparently that's not the case.
Anyway back to the topic at hand me having a blog. What exactly do I do with a blog? Rant, because I can do that I am probably fairly good at it. My opinion about pretty much anything matters less than a fly fart in the wind but that doesn't mean I don't have it. I am watching the NBA playoffs and a few things, they pay these people way too much money and some of them are very very dumb. If you can afford to buy a purple dress shirt and tie with matching vest and tie clip you have too much money. When I hear some of these people talk with a microphone shoved in their face I feel like I am listening to a GED reception speech given by the kid who got the lowest score.
Another thing that I have learned is if you are on tv as an announcer and want people to think you know what you are talking about just talk louder. If you talk louder that must mean you have something to say, right. This is pretty much all I have to say at the moment. I'm sure I will post poetry and other shit that falls out of my head eventually. Now get the fuck off my lawn.
Anyway back to the topic at hand me having a blog. What exactly do I do with a blog? Rant, because I can do that I am probably fairly good at it. My opinion about pretty much anything matters less than a fly fart in the wind but that doesn't mean I don't have it. I am watching the NBA playoffs and a few things, they pay these people way too much money and some of them are very very dumb. If you can afford to buy a purple dress shirt and tie with matching vest and tie clip you have too much money. When I hear some of these people talk with a microphone shoved in their face I feel like I am listening to a GED reception speech given by the kid who got the lowest score.
Another thing that I have learned is if you are on tv as an announcer and want people to think you know what you are talking about just talk louder. If you talk louder that must mean you have something to say, right. This is pretty much all I have to say at the moment. I'm sure I will post poetry and other shit that falls out of my head eventually. Now get the fuck off my lawn.
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