Call me Ishmael...

So to understand this story and the subsequent stories that will follow I need to explain a little bit about where I went to school. It is a sausage fest. It should be known as Cockson University because that is all there is as far as the eye can see. This leads to a phenomenon that is known as the Clarkson Scale. You can call it chauvinistic pig like behavior but I know women do it too so eat me. Well it essentially guarantees any woman 3 points higher if the attend Clarkson. It also means that guys at Clarkson attempt to define new levels of drunk to justify this shift.

It was the first big party weekend back at school and one of my good friends, Tiny, attended a camo party at a frat. It is a decision that has changed his life (he officially became a prisoner of war). Every guy had to be handcuffed to a female (Not all the women were from Clarkson because well there we don't have that many women). Petey was there and got handcuffed to a fairly attractive women but wouldn't have known what to do if she had whipped his penis out and said let me handle this (that's just Petey). Statutory was attached to a woman taller and larger than he is which isn't hard because he is the size of a 90 yr Chinese woman. For the purposes of this story none of that matters and they could be gay.

Tiny tells me starts telling me this story and that he and the girl he was handcuffed to won because they were handcuffed together for the longest. And in the great tradition of Clarkson Fraternities they were douchebags who didn't bitched out and didn't give the said prize of a bottle of liquor (which I later found out Tiny really could have used). Well his companion was coming onto him pretty hard and long story short they played a game of hide the sausage.

The one thing that stuck out to me throughout the entire story was how little details he gave about his new friends appearance. Now I think it is the same for both sexes in that the less details you share the more it says. Literally the only detail he gave me was she was a girl and she was kinda chubby. I latched onto this like an attack dog. Just some of the things to come out of my mouth:
"Oh my god you fucked a sea creature"
"Did she have a blow hole, I bet you tried to put it in her blow hole"
"Ahab finally speared the great white beast... All Night Long"
"Is she coming over, I need to get some whale mating sounds ready to help you set the mood"

So she was briefly was known as the whale because I really really wanted to call him Ahab. I mean fucking Ahab you obviously see where im coming from. This continued for a few days and Tiny because he goes to Clarkson did what any self respecting Clarkson male would do and continued sinking the harpoon in the blow hole. I don't even judge him for it cuz he took the beating I was giving him like a man. The whale was attempting to corner him into a relationship which he told her repeatedly he was not going to do. She called and texted and badgered. She even went so far as to come to the Clarkson library and hang out "running" into him repeatedly. No one hangs out at the Clarkson library we are continuously voted in the 10 worst libraries in the nation. Its like hookers who hang out at truck stops. It screams give me some dick.

It is there that I had the opportunity to meet a sea creature. I was introduced to her and immediately felt like I needed a shower. It was nothing to do with her physical appearance. It was her essence. Eau de Whore oozed from her every pore. She was wearing a hookers uniform to the library. And it was whores uniform that, much like the Grinch's heart, was two sizes too small. She had her rolls on display like a bakery and no one was offering the glaze. In my 3 minutes of trying to converse with her I learned 3 things:
1) She was a whore, there was no hiding it you could see that shit from space (this is reinforced later)
2) She was dumb, painfully dumb had issues forming thoughts dumb.
3) She was mean, usually directing it at women who weren't dumb, and at least outwardly didn't cause the mental image of dropping my hotdog into the grand canyon.

This is just the begining of our adventures with what is now known simply as "The Manatee". Tune in next week kids, same bat time, same bat channel. Snoochie booches.