When you hear the words purple sweat pants what comes to mind? Well if your lucky probably just that purple sweat pants. If your me you get cold sweats and feel like your in the 9th circle of hell. Why you may ask, well I will tell you.
When I was a kid my parents hated buying me clothes for several reasons. 1) They are cheap and I grew quickly. 2) They felt it would be okay to stick me in very awkward clothing that only fit because it was from people much older than me (think circa 1970's and you might be getting close, Or 1980's fitness wear). 3) I was a piggly lil sumbitch, and screw all the euphemisms they use like husky. Kids that are "husky" don't even use that word. I was a lil Cartman.
I got up for school one day and started to get dressed only to find that I was in my mind out of clean clothes. All I had left was a pair of purple sweat pants (fuck my life) and a hurts your eyes its so bright Hawaiian T-shirt with some knee socks and my black shoes. Soak that image alone for a second and be happy that you aren't me. Then add to it the fact that none of those things fit well. The purple sweat pants were TIGHT and I mean Olivia Newton John lets get physical tight. And they were high waters so my socks were pulled up and tucked into them. The Hawaiian T-shirt looked like Pac-man vomited on it. It was a cluster fuck of blue, red, yellow something you would expect to see Stevie Wonder in. And it was too tight, if I attempted to breathe and button at the same time one of us was going to lose that battle.
I walk down stairs to talk to my mom before school believing that there it is child abuse to let me out of the house this way. The conversation went like this:
Lee: Mom, I'm going to get something out of the dirty clothes to wear to school today.
Mom: No your not you look fine (she never looked up, not that I think she should have had to my clothes were screaming "I'M HERE I'M QUEER DEAL WITH IT so loud they heard it in the future)
Lee: MOM, I do not look fine I look stupid, Mom look.
Mom: (Looks up for about a third of a second) You look fine your wearing that to school.
So I wore that to school in fourth grade and the only thing that prevented me from getting my ass beat was probably pity. I mean at some point you just have to feel bad right. IF I ever have children the conversation will go something like this:
Kid: DAD, I'm going to get something out of the dirty clothes to wear to school today.
Future Lee: Why? (looks up) OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! You are staying home from school today we are buying your new clothes. Quick punch me in the face for what I'm doing to you.
In short please think about what you do to your children because you could always end up with ME ( I know scary right). Also I'm going to try to get an artists rendition of my outfit to display to help drive the point home. Purple sweat pants what the fuck?
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