Eatin' pants

I wanted to discuss something I don't think most people think about too often. The reason's they purchase the clothes they do. Most people as far as I can tell purchase clothes solely based upon the way they look or how people will perceive they look in them. I am occasionally guilty of this when it comes to essentially buying clothes that I hate. I can't shop at any store that is considered cool because I apparently am not shaped at all like a cool kid. I never have been shaped that way even when I was relatively skinny ( Shut up its happened). If I attempt to wear anything that looks remotely cool immediately I look like a chubby guy in a tube top. I have friends that can attest to the fact that I have went into stores and walked directly up to the sales person asking "Whats your biggest pair of jeans?". Pause because the two brain cells they use to do this job are chasing each other... "Inane response". My reply "Yea that aint happening".

When I shop there are a few specific things that I look for. Comfort is the biggest with the way that it looks coming in second. That said comfort means several things. I have actually purchased a pair of pants in high school for the sole reason that they would expand when I ate myself into a stupor. I don't mean thanksgiving which is the amateurs eating holiday. If you only bring out the sweat pants for one day a year sit down you don't impress me. I had a pair of khaki pants that tied around the waist. Those pants saw me through some of my most gluttonous and voracious of celebrations. The five pound hamburger that I took apart in 21 minutes (the first half in 5... I was sick but could not allow the crazy tiny Asian woman next to me to beat me, she was a beast). The 5 subway footlong subs in under a half hour to get the 6th one for free (I actually got 2 subs free because of the good old subway ticket promotion... Suck it Subway long and hard). And the buffet with 7 plates of shrimp, 5 dinner plates of salad and various other delicious entrees (The waitress at first thought I was stealing food so I insisted she watch me eat... The look of shear amazement mixed with terror that I was going to eat the pepper shaker is priceless to this day).

I have lacked a solid pair of eatin' pants for the last few years. There are many things that constitute a solid pair of eatin' pants.
1) No sweat pants you just look sloppy and while you may be a fat fuck there is no need for that
2) Expandability is a must, if it doesnt stretch well then you have to unbotton and we are officially back to point 1.
3)Stain resistance is a plus but not a neccesity. If you eat with like minded people a gravy boat in the lap is not just a possiblity but a reality.
4)Durability. This is a must because these pants will be your go to for any I'm fat bastard occasion.
5)Light weight. This is often overlooked but important for several reasons, if you just ate enough to get confused with a pregnant lady in her 3rd trimester you don't want anything hugging on your stuff. And eating massive quantities makes you sweat like a two dollar whore in church.

Damn I'm hungry. And I didn't even discuss my more recent eating accomplishments. If I ever get a pig I am naming him bacon. Mmmmmm bacon.